Certainly uncertain

Well, I gotta say, things just keep getting weirder and less predictable by the day. Turns out my big ole' bag of lemons wasn't as large as it once appeared. My three week mini-forced vacation is coming to an end 2 weeks early. That's right folks, starting tomorrow morning this bear is headed back to work.

And I have to admit, while I am incredibly grateful with this turn of the tide, I also find myself returning to a familiar place along the continuum of emotions. I'm not sure if it is a feeling of WTF, disappointment, grief, confusion...I can't really put my finger on it. Let me be clear, these emotions are NOT a result of returing to work as much as they are around the constant change. It took several days for me to absorb the reality that I would be going 3 weeks without any income. There were moments of fear and panic around financial sustainability. Uncertainty of how I would be able to manage my own mental health while being the best human possible to support my loved ones also in need. By the end of that first week of April I wouldn't say that I had fully resolved all of those things but I did have a plan (hence making lemonade). Of course, here we are only a week later and my landscape has changed once again.

Again, I am incredibly grateful for my good fortune and appreciative of all the tremendous effort folks have put in to get the tide to turn a little sooner. I'm not saddened that I won't get everything on my "furlough to-do list" accomplished. If I'm being totally honest, I don't know what I feel. I know that as the last month has unfolded plans have changed every where, for everyone. Sometimes these changes are from moment to moment, day to day or week to week. Seems like everytime I find some resolution with the latest hand I've been dealt, the deck is reshuffled.

I've never been good at card games like poker or black jack that require the right combination of strategy and luck. I'm a lousy liar (just ask my wife) and my ability to muster a poker face is non-existent. I wear my emotions on my sleeve. So I suppose I'll keep doing the best I can with the cards I'm dealt. I don't anticpate that the next few weeks will be any easier. I don't expect to stop moving along the emitional continuum at a high rate of speed. However, I do believe that as long as things keep getting shuffled and I have the opportunity to keep drawing new cards, I'll get better and at some point. Who knows, I might even win a hand.