The day the music died

This particular post has been in the creation stage for quite some time, more so in my mind than on paper or screen. It's taken all sorts of twists and turns but I think I've finally landed in a good place. So, as some of you may or may not know, many years ago (let's say 18-ish) I used to spend a lot of time not only playing music but writing music, too. As a teenager and young adult it was how I coped.

Writing music was how I grieved the loss of close friends. It was how I expressed thanks and immense gratitude for folks in my life that helped me get through some of the most challenging times of my adolecence. The simple act of performing with others or alone was how I felt the most connected to others, myself and even spirtually.

So why the 18 year hiatus? Well, for someone that (for the most part) never really cared what people thought of them that all changed. Turns out teenagers need shit to talk about and I turned myself into an easy target. The rumor mill kicked into high gear and suddenly if Sarah Chesnutt wrote a song for you or about you, well she must be in love with you. That snowballed into rumors around my sexual orientation and it all went downhill from there.

There were definately a few years where I spent time playing music publicly (directing a youth choir, serving on music teams at certain youth events, etc.) but those days dwindled. I never returned to writing music. Instead, I found myself immeresed in the wilderness for 50 days and came out the other end on a different trajectory. Wild places became my conduit for connection. That hasn't changed but I am beginning to realize that writing and music still hold a pretty special place in my heart.

Well...since the cat's out of the bag (I'm married to a woman...sorry if reading that was a surprise to you or caught you off guard) I suppose I've decied it's okay to start writing music again. I suppose I've finally realized that I allowed others to take something away from me that was never theirs to take. So to quote the Goonies, "I'm taking this one back! I'm taking them all back!"

That doesn't mean that every time I pick up an instrument in a room where there happen to be others present, that I don't hesitate. I do. Everytime. I worry about being transported to those moments where I felt the most vulnerable, hurt and rejected. I'm trying to adopt a "fuck that shit" mentality but it's a slow process for sure.

Here's to another day, another step in that process. Yesterday I shared the lyrics and today I'm going to go one step further (thanks largely in part to the encouragement of some special humans in my life these days) and share the whole thing with you fine, bored blog readers.

*To listen to the track, head back to the post titled So go, rest easy tonight*